I did not see Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker and I never will.
That said, if you feel the need to say any of the following (and/or if you’re Rian Johnson), please leave this website and never return:
“ThEn HoW cAn YoU sAy It’S bAd?!”
“WeLl ThEn YoU’rE jUsT a ToXiC fAn!”
“YoU jUsT hAtE rEy CuZ yOu DrInK hAtErAdE, yOu HaTeR! i HaTe YoU!”
“StAr WaRs Is FoR kIdS, mAn BaBy!”
Great. Now that the shills are gone, let’s get to discussing what used to be one of the most iconic stories ever put to film.
Warning: *SPOILERS* coming, though they’d only be depressing to see play out in theaters anyway…
The Death of All Skywalkers and the Victory of the Palpatines
For anyone surprised by the twist in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker that Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter, welcome to Disney!
Here at Disney we have one simple mission: to drain the life force out of every property we acquire until nothing remains but a lifeless shell of anything good that once existed within it. So, of course, it was in our company’s DNA to subvert the entire series-defining prophecy of Star Wars. In our view, Emperor Palpatine and his bloodline surviving Anakin Skywalker’s redemption was destiny.
Now some of you might be wondering: “Well wait a second… what’s the value of that? Wouldn’t that devalue your company if you don’t focus on telling good, coherent stories? Why would people pay to watch the villains win?”
While these are logical questions, profit is only the most surface level of our aims as a corporation. We who don the iconic mouse ears think much bigger.
The Rise and Eternal Reign of Satan
Starting to see the connection yet? No? That’s okay! You’ll get there over the course your career here at Disney Corp. With guidance from tens of thousands of soul-sucked colleagues (zombies), you’ll lose track of everything true and good before you know it.
While the First Order might have been worse than sub-par at monitoring their Storm Troopers, we ensure full indoctrination, and our track record proves it. On your first day, head over to Kathleen Kennedy’s office, where the walls are simply covered with “the force is female” posters, t-shirts, and stickers. The head of Lucasfilm, whose internal-only title is “Reich Minister of Propaganda,” is at the very forefront of pushing worldwide gender resentment.
We also know that the gender war we’re stirring up can be a heavy topic for some. But to lighten the mood, look no further than our CEO Bob Iger, who recently published a nice book in which he admitted to subverting the expectations of actual creator and visionary, George Lucas. George went on to call Disney, “white slavers,” but we resent that remark. At Disney we go above and beyond to ensure we never discriminate those we enslave based on race or any other category of people!
Welcome to Disney (Hell)
Truth. Creativity. Originality. Morality. These are words we have no use for here at the wonderful world of Disney.
Subversion is the only way. Without it, we would have never been able to create the character Rey Palpatine. And without Rey, Emperor Palpatine would have never been struck down so he could live on forever. Mission accomplished. High fives all around.
And if to this you say, “but he died from his own lightning so she didn’t kill him,” great job and we’re glad to have you aboard! Now go out into the world, bite ankles, and get us the rights to the Lord of the Rings franchise. We really want to bring Sauron back so he can win and we can kill off a much more bitter, hopeless old Frodo Baggins.
Thanks for reading!
This post was obviously tongue in cheek, but one thing I don’t want to do is push despair. Disney’s “Star Wars” sucks and always will. That’s okay though. Instead of letting this get us down and complaining, let’s create new, better stories. That’s how my writing journey began and I hope you join me.